It’s about them, not about me- I have to remember that.

I was always the outcast at high school, the nerd, the weirdo, you get the idea. There were also other situations in my life where I had earned a bad reputation- and went from “nerd” to “nutcase”- because I was expressing my anger inappropriately. But over time, I have had to learn the hard way to find more constructive ways of expressing my anger, other than lashing out or stuffing my face with food, and been having to find ways to let my past go, which I admit I am still struggling to do but getting better at it. That won’t be solved overnight. Writing a book I felt was one way to do it, which I did, which will hopefully be out in 4 weeks from now or so (I hope, dealing with one another small glitch but that should hopefully be settled long before that- and it should be the last one). I am having to learn to appreciate and love me after being beaten down so much in my life. Maybe there was a purpose for my worth being beaten down by others so I could find a way to pick it up, fix it and build up on it. I am struggling, but getting better at all of it. However, late last night I got a very immature message from one of the girls back in high school who picked on me which was nearing 20 years ago. Somehow she had heard that I had written a book and wasted her time telling me that “any book written by me can’t be more of a joke of a read”. At first I started to believe her words and got upset. But then after a short time, I sat back and thought “well okay, she is behaving the same way as she did 20 years ago, and still believes I am the same like I was 20 years ago for whatever reason”. Then I thought to myself how silly it was for me to react, base my worth and believe the words of some immature kid in a grown up’s body. Why would she go out of her way to send me this kind of message? Obviously the problem is with her, and not with me. Obviously she is quite miserable, the same way that she was 20 years ago and found me, again as a target to take her misery and anger on. It’s sad to know how some people really don’t evolve, and she is a prime example. And perhaps this incident was a lesson for me too, to not base my worth on how someone perceives me… which is a huge reason that my self esteem had suffered for so long. But I am mastering that. In fact one time recently someone wise told me whatever someone thinks of me is really not my business! And in the past, I would have allowed this incident to hurt me for a long, long time. This time, I was only upset about it for a few minutes, then decided to stop feeling bad and to start examining the situation. And what I found from it was that it had nothing to do with me, all of this had everything to do with her and her demons. And whatever is making her miserable, I hope one day she has the courage to find out what it is, and to stop taking it out on others.

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